How do you explain to someone
by SecretConfessions
Summary: Hermione is raped and doesn't know how to tell people about it
1. Default Chapter

How do you explain to someone what it's like to be raped? That no matter what you do, a part of your soul is stolen from you forever. I guess one way to explain it would be when you're a virgin and you give yourself up, no matter how bad or good it was, you've given that person part of yourself. But when its rape it's much worse, especially when it happens to you and you're still a virgin. No matter what you do you can't forget it, and when people find out they pity you.  
  
Can you imagine me, head girl (no sick puns now), Hermione Granger being raped? The worst part about it for me though was the fact that I didn't fight back. I just let that abomination of a human being do what he wanted to do to me, well him and his friends. I thought that if I was good enough and didn't say anything scream or cry that they would just let me go. They were the kinds that got of on the pain, screaming and crying of their victims. It gave them the feeling of power I guess, but you would think that the act of raping would be enough to do that.  
  
I always thought that I would fight back, scream like hell, do anything to discourage an attacker. After all I didn't go to all those self- defense for nothing. I guess there is a difference between practicing and actually doing, well isn't that a stupid statement coming from me. I'm the smartest witch in the history of my school, I've been through a war of light and dark, and I'm one of the most popular pin-ups in the wizarding world under the age of 25. Everything I do, or did, I practiced it first to make sure I could do it when it came time. But this time when push came to shove my skills and my Gryffindor courage went flying out the fucking door.  
  
I had been walking around muggle London. I was looking for the perfect presents for Ron and Harry. They had been through so much since the end of 5th year and now that it was finally over it was time for them to have fun. My parents had asked me if I wanted to finally go to Disney world in America. Stupid question if you ask me, of course I wanted to go! But anyways my parents offered to have Ron and Harry come along with us, another stupid question if you were to ask me.of course they wanted to come! As I said I was shopping for a present for the two of them, something I could give them when we were in America. I had gone to a jeweler's shop that made the best of the best when it came down to jewelry. I decided to have rings made for the three of us, to commemorate our friendship and the death of Vold-- the Dark Lord. I was about two blocks from my home when I was jumped from behind. I was too shocked to do anything, so it was simple for them to take me to a secluded ally. It was extremely dark. I knew my parents would be worried if I didn't get home soon.  
  
In the alley the told me not to look at them, me being stupid did what they wanted. I at first thought they might be wizards, but ruled that out when they used the muggle methods of blindfolding me and removing my worn out jeans and my beloved My Little Pony tank top. They made sure that none of my outer clothes were torn, I guess so I could walk out of the god for saken alley like nothing had happened. They touched and toyed with my breasts, which ended up being bruised for over a week. The licked me up and down putting their tongues and fingers in place they shouldn't have been with out my wanting. I'm sure if the situation had been different, like if it had been Ron doing such to me then I would have liked it to some degree. But I was horrified, but I kept repeating to myself just let them do what they want and then they will leave you alone and you can run home. Finally it came time for them to penetrate and soil my body, soul, and sprit. The pain was so bad, even if I would have aloud myself to scream I couldn't have found my voice to. Each joke of a gentleman took his turn taking me in their own different ways. It kept getting harder and harder, it got to the point where I knew the blood I was bleeding wasn't from me being virgin, and I was scared. All this time I hadn't tried to fight, scream, or cried and I guess that's what they wanted from me. I had been biting my lips and cheeks so hard that there was more blood then saliva in my mouth. One bloke stated to me while he pounded me harder then a boxer against his adversary that things were going to keep getting worse for me until they could see me squirm. I think that's what made me crake; I started weeping silently, only to have it become a howl. the only expression of my grief that I could think of. My invaders laughed like it was the funniest thing that they had ever seen. With that they got themselves back together and left me their shivering and crying my heart out in the alley. I don't know how long I waited but, to me it seemed like a lifetime and a half, when I thought the cost was clear I undid the blindfold and quickly dressed myself; only to find that my bra and thong were gone, but that was the least of my worries. When my head was collected enough I ran like those who had been in Sodom and Gomorrah.  
  
When I finally reached my house I found no one home. I looked around only to find a note from my mom and dad saying that they decided to go uptown for dinner and dancing and wouldn't be home till around midnight. Since the note was still on the table I figured that that it wasn't past midnight. I went to my room and got my wand to make the bleeding stop, and get out of my clothes. With that done I decided I needed a shower. I felt so unclean, and watching the dirt from the alley floor go down the drain didn't help my feelings of uncleanness disappear. I scrubbed my skin so raw that little welts were left behind. I didn't know what to do; I just felt I couldn't get clean. I sank to the floor of my shower and cried again letting the water take my tears with it. When I couldn't cry anymore I got out of the shower to go to bed. But before I turned in I remembered my pairing knife from potions. I don't know what came over me, I just started slicing away at my wrists and my legs.I almost went for my neck only to remember that it would be too noticeable. I don't know what made me feel better, the self inflicted pain that took the pain from the rape away for a short time, or seeing my blood spill out of my veins. It seemed to be the only way to clean myself of the dirtiness. To clean myself from within meant to clean myself on the outside too. 


	2. Chapter 2

If only I could tell someone. But would they understand what I feel and what I went through? Or would they place the blame solely on me. On what I was wearing, or that fact that I didn't fight back. Or would I get pity for them? Have them telling me how sorry they are and if there was anything they could do to help to let them know. The only thing that they could possibly do is shot themselves in the foot to understand only diminutive amount of the pain I have gone through. Or they could learn what it's like not to want to close your eyes at night or go anywhere alone or after dark. What about the self hatred? Can they even begin to understand the magnitude of it when looking at a picture of them selves or when they chanced a look in a mirror? No I don't think they will ever begin to know what it's like to go through a true living hell. and make it to the other side. And to the Gods I pray no one else will ever have to know what it's like to die but still be alive.  
  
It was amazing how easy to not confront my parents on the happening last night. All I had to do was tell them I was studying and they left me alone. Don't get me wrong they knew something was up they aren't that stupid. But they didn't go barging into my room because my voice didn't sound normal to them. That gave me the hope that I would be able to fool everyone else. True it would be hard to fool Harry and Ron, but I fully believed that I could do it.  
  
Time went on slowly, what seemed to me like weeks were only a handful of days. The jeweler told me the rings would be ready by the 22 of July if not before, and sure enough they were done before then. The rings were works of true art, but I hated them more then anything. If it hadn't been for those dumb rings I wouldn't have been out there that night. I wouldn't have been raped. I knew that blaming three inanimate objects wasn't going to make me feel better or be my cure all. Gods I was tired, so tired of blaming myself and beating myself up for the rape that I needed to hate something or someone. I had my something to hate now I just needed someone. One would think that it would be obvious to hate my attackers. If only I had realized that before I chose to blame my best friends.  
  
It's not fair to blame them but that's where my anger was heading. If I hadn't wanted to give them something and if that something hadn't been those rings would I have even been raped? I don't think so. And where were my best friends? Those two who promised to protect me from anything and anyone. Where were my knights in white armor? Selfish I know that's what you're thinking, but I really don't give a damn about what you are thinking. I'm sick of being Hermione. That everyone turns to when they want something or need something. Is it too much to ask for someone to be concerned with me and my well being? Shouldn't they see that I'm not as sure of myself as I've always seemed, and that maybe even though my best friends are guys I want to be treated like a girl for once! Other then Krum the only people that ever seemed to noticed that I'm of the female half of the damned population are those who razed my world and left me die.  
  
July slipped into August and from their September came sooner then I was ready for. I still wanted to go to Disney if only to be able to leave my shattered world behind for some time. I was so apprehensive to see Harry and Ron I didn't know how, or long, well my act of being the normal me would be able to stand without breaking. My parents were sick of my inaccessibility, and were hoping that my best friends would be able to fix things. But some things just can't be fixed with pretty words and happy faces.  
  
Ron's father had managed to get us a portakey to Disney so we didn't have to bother with the airport and customs. We all met up at the burrow were the reunion was bittersweet in its own ways. Out of the whole Weasley family the only ones to survive had been Ron, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, along with Ginny. Everyone else had died sometime during the war. It was hard to believe the out of all of the brothers Ron was the only one to survive. I mean he was the youngest, other then Ginny, and had less experience in the world. After the war was over the Weasley's offered to adopted Harry and make him officially part of their family, but in the end Harry said no. Harry loved them like they were his family but he had his own things in life that needed to be settled. One of the first things he did was get the wills worked out, the one from his parents and then the one from Sirius. Needless to say Harry wasn't only the most famous wizard now but also one of the richest, Malfoy only having a tad more then him, but he didn't care. As they say money can't buy happiness.  
  
The portakey got them to Orlando, Florida in no time flat; they checked in to the Grosvenor Resort and didn't know what they wanted to do first. Ron as usual was hungry, Harry said he was up for anything, my parents wanted to check out the hotel, and I just wanted to lounge by the pool and start working on a tan. I mean we had two or three weeks before we would be going back home viva portakey again. When things finally settled down I was finally at the pool my parents and best friends all off on their own. I had a drink my shades and a good book. I chose to read from my book instead of swimming. There wasn't much to this smut book, as my dad calls them, just the usual damsel in distress, romance, hot guys, and sex. My mom got me hooked on these sad excuses for books right before I left for my magical world almost more then eight years ago now. How ones live can change in a blink of the eye literally.  
  
I met up with everyone in one of the many restaurants after a shower and a quick glamour spell. Harry and Ron had gone down earlier with my parents, which was fine with me, because I was taking so long. While everyone was gone it lent me time to think about the past couple of months, I had done a lot of research on rape victims and rapists and likes. I knew most people waited and lived in fear to tell anyone about what happened to them. Some times people wouldn't say anything for years on end, but then there were those people who were able to go to the police and tell them right after it happened. I wanted to tell my parents, even more I wanted to tell Ron and Harry. They all deserved to know, but how could I ruin their vacation. Maybe I could just wait till we got back home, by then we should be sick of each other and it won't seem so bad when I tell them, so I thought. 


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner went smoothly, well all but for Ron trying to speak to the center piece thinking that was how we ordered our food. Sometimes I wonder how he would survive in the muggle world without me or Harry around. That night was the first night I actually felt more like myself then I had in a long time, but I also felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown anyone came up behind me. When they asked me about I told them it was an aftereffect of the war. If they believed me or not it was hard to say, my parents let it go while Ron and Harry just gave each other one of those knowing looks. I had a feeling I would in for a ruff night if I let them corner me. I knew I would have to get out of talking to them but I had no idea how I was going to do so. Then Ron, thank the Gods, mentioned he heard about a dance club in Downtown Disney, and was wondering if we wanted to check it out tonight. I was all for it and between Ron and me we were able to talk Harry into joining us. Even though it was years later Harry still had issues with the Cho thing, like the thought all girls were crazy like that or something.  
  
We said good night to my parents and started to get ready to go to the club. Ron, Harry, and I shared a room.do to my parents trust in me and the fact that they might as well be adoptive children to them. Ron and Harry took the main room while I got the bathroom. I know Harry was worried about me not only because I heard him talking to Ron about it while we were getting ready, but because he was quite and kept looking at me. He looked at me as though he was trying to figure out a logic puzzle of some kind. While I finished putting on make-up and pinning up my hair I just hoped I could hide the truth from him and everyone else at least until the trip was over. But I had the feeling that, if not to night, my little secret was going be out before this trip was done. As I steeped out of the bathroom that night they looked at me ask if they had never seen me before. If they knew it or not they had a look in their eyes, one similar to those creeps from a few months ago, a look of wanting of and lust. It was the kind of look that made me lock myself in the bathroom and cry like I did four months ago.  
  
I can still hear them yelling at me to open the fucking door. They threatened and they cursed, but nothing would get me to open the door, not to them or anyone else in the world. I didn't want to look at them I didn't want to tell them, I didn't want anything to do with them. If I had to I would have stayed in the bathroom all night. They told me they were leaving and that I could come out, and I would be alone. I heard the door open and close. I waited for five minutes before I got up washed my face to reduce the tear stained look and left my save haven in the bathroom.  
  
I opened the door slowly just an inch or so to see if they were standing in front of the door, then a little farther so I stick my head out and see if they were tricking me and were by the sides of the bathroom. When I didn't see them I felt safe enough to go back to the room area, just my luck I found them sitting on the beds waiting for me to explain to them what happened and why I just flipped out on them. My knees were jell-o, my stomach was liquid, and my head was spinning like the tea cup ride. So many questions were going around in my head. Do I tell them the truth? YES, THEY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS! But if they are your best friends why weren't they their when you need them the most? They are here now that's all that matters, they can help you pick up the pieces of you screwed up life and make sense of it. Where do you start? At the beginning of what happened of course. Do you tell them all of it or part of it? Tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Will they understand? Will they still want to be your friend? What is ultimately going to happen when you tell them? So many questions but not enough answers, at least not enough for me.  
  
Before they even had a chance to demand too much information from me I made it clear the story was long, we weren't going to go clubbing tonight and we might as well change in to our jams. What shocked them the most is that I just when to my suit case undressed and put on my jams. While I chanced they go the chance to see the scars on my back from the bigots who thought they had the right to touch me. They also saw the scars from my cutting, and bruises that were finally about to disappear. Soon they followed my lead and got into what they wore for bed, instead of usual boxers they were wearing a pair of p.j. pants. I asked them if they wanted anything to drink, water, coco, or butter beer that Ron had brought. Once we all decided on butter beer I decided it was time to give them the rings as part of the explanation. I went to the night stand by my bed and brought back with me three velvet pouches. They stared at me in total silences, just waiting for me to say, or do something. I gave them their respected pouch, and began to cry again. Not knowing if I was ready or if I wanted to start. Ron and Harry got up and surrounded me hugging me and encompassing me from all sides. They kept telling me that everything was alright nothing was going to harm me and that they loved me. They always had loved me and they always will that they would never leave me alone unless I demanded it to be so.  
With my courage back, I decided it was now or never. We all sat down again. I told them to open the pouches, as they did I explained to them that I wanted to give them both a gift that would tie us together forever. Harry's ring was gold with emeralds all round the band. Between the emeralds were little engravings of snitches. Ron's ring, while similar to Harry's because it, was gold and had sapphires in it instead of emeralds. The jeweler had managed to engrave a bunch of little phoenixes into Ron's ring like I had wanted. My ring was gold like the both of theirs, it had amber in it. I hadn't known what to engrave on my ring but had finally decided to have the Gryffindor lion. I told them that the fact that the rings were done in gold was a joke in itself, being that everyone called us the golden trio. It was lame but that's how I decided to go with gold bands over silver. I also thought the little joke would help us loosen the tension level. With the rings given out I knew it was time for the rest of my story. 


	4. Chapter 4

I told them how I had been looking for that perfect gift for them. That's why I had been wandering around London so late. I told them about being jumped from behind and the rape I told them of everything that had gone threw my head. I told them what that one nasty man said about me not trying to fight. It got to the point were I couldn't look at their faces so I detached myself from my feelings and everything around me. Ron got sick when I told him and Harry about the rape. Harry just sat there quietly not saying anything. I couldn't tell what was going threw his mind; he was totally closed off to the world. I explained to them how I hated them and the damn rings. How I blamed it on them that I was where I was and raped. That they weren't with me to protect me, and that nothing would ever be ok again. I painted them the picture of coming home to an empty house to find a note saying my parents were out having a fine old time out on then town. About washing and washing but never feeling clean. How I finally found some relieve from the cutting. Just seeing the blood and knowing I was still alive for the time being. When I was finally done talking and explaining everything to them we sat in the extremely quite room while they digested what I just told them. It was so quite you could have heard a pin drop.  
  
Silently Harry started to cry. I didn't notice at first until I saw him trying to wipe away his tears. I didn't know what to do or say; finally I managed to ask him what was wrong. He told me that I should hate him and Ron because they should have been there to protect me. That never should I have had to feel such pain and loss as I had that night. All this time Ron was silent. When he finally spoke it was of anger and ignorance. His voice was so calm, but it was too steady and too clear of emotion. He called me a slut and a whore. Telling me I deserved what I got. That I should have thought more about how I was dressed. I yelled at him and questioned him about what if it had been Ginny instead of me, would he tell her then same thing? Again all too calmly he stated yes he would. I snapped I didn't know what I was doing, but all my anger and my hurt and frustration came out in that one moment when I started to beat the shit out of Ron for saying all he had. He was practically implying that I was asking to be raped that I wanted it and that I enjoyed it. Further more when he said if I had been his own little sister that he would blame her instead of the monster that hurt her I lost all control. I finally realized what I was doing when I hit Harry instead of Ron. No I hadn't meant to hit Harry but he got in the way while trying to stop me before I killed Ron. I went into shock. I almost just killed one of my best friends, yes he was an ass but he was still my friend. I was as still as stone while Harry placed some quick healing spells on Ron. Someone helped me back to my seat and handed me a new butter beer. Ron sat in his own chair and just glared at me not saying a thing.  
  
Harry disappeared for a short time only to come back with my parents trailing behind him. I didn't know if I should be mad or happy. Once again I had to go threw what happened to me. My parents offered me the comfort that I needed; they didn't blame themselves or me. They told me everything was going to be ok, that I would get the help that I needed.  
  
That's why I'm here now. I'm getting the help that I needed. My parents and I started to see a counselor. Her name is Dr. Rue, she is really good. She asked me to write down everything that happened from the rape to the night I told everyone. Not only is she a witch but she also lives in the muggle world, it makes thing easier to talk about. She understands all part of my life. With the help of her and the ones that love me I will be able to move on someday.  
  
Just a little side fact, Ron and Harry are both seeing Dr. Rue too. We all have issues that we need to work through. Ron no longer blames me, he understand it to some degree now. And is finally starting to dealing with his brother's deaths. Harry doesn't believe that he should have been there to protect me or that I should hate him. He is learning to deal with all the deaths that he had been blaming himself for. My parents are still standing by me giving my love and comfort that I need. Things are getting better, and as my grandpa used to say.everything will be ok in the end, if things are ok then it isn't the end. I think it's safe to say we are all almost at the end of this journey and will be heading out on our next, no matter what life throws our way. 


End file.
